Life as I know it . . .

has severely changed.  This is not a "woe is me, feel bad for me" post; however, this is a place for me to empty my head and right now my thoughts are swirling.  

With each day that passes in life, I learn more, gain strength, awareness.  Some of it is negative, some of it is positive.  Amidst all this is an internal struggle that causes me much strife.  The struggle with who I think I am and always was and with who life has me becoming.

Big broad concept, I know, but I am trying to work through it.  Would probably be best accomplished with a trained professional, but I never was one to take the easy road!  If I go backward 4 years to where I thought I was, then go back about 14 years to where I thought I was and run through that really quickly not only do I get a bit nauseous, it makes my head spin.  I feel like life is definitely happening TO me and AROUND me, but need to start reigning in my part in all of it.

Pre-ex-husband, I was a strong, dominant, domineering, opinionated young woman.  I was working hard and decided to go pre-med to be a psychiatrist.  I was going places and I was going to make changes in people's lives.  I am a nurturer by nature so it only made sense and was much shorter of a path than emergency medicine, which was another passion I had and still have.  Then I met my ex-husband and I traveled down a path that turned me into a pawn, not a player, of this game we call life.  I trudged through that gawd awful relationship because I never saw myself getting divorced, I wanted to make a relationship work if not for me for the child we had created.  In reality, I stayed much, much longer than I healthily should have.  I can't change that I can only learn from and grow from all I experienced.  I think it will definitely take some time to finish all that learning, to be honest.  Then life threw me yet another curveball when I got pregnant with Will.

Now, there is not one iota of a fraction of a second that I want life without my son.  Not even a flash of desire.  There is, however, a grieving period that seems to be dragging out because there are so many other things that take precedent to self reflection and rehabilitation.  I am grieving who I used to be, who I thought I would be after I ended that marriage and the scenery on the path I am currently on.

I had an interesting conversation today that sparked the thought/neuroses machine in my little brain.  It all came down to my single status and any potential suitors in my life.  I know it probably seems that is a huge part of who I am when, in all reality, it is such a sliver of my life.  I think it is in the forefront right now as I dwindle down a year long painful relationship (and I use that r word loosely) and reflect on all the poor choices in my life.  Actually they aren't all poor choices, they were all learning experiences.  Glass half full folks.  I have come to realize something that is a big, huge, glaring, flashing neon sign in my life.  My life is no longer "normal", simple, easy, self satisfying, etc.  Yes, I am a mom and always will be that first.  I probably have always struggled with that fine line between mom and Melissa and I am aware of that.  As Gabbie ages, it is easier to find me time where she is concerned as she doesn't need or want me quite as much and I know as she ages, that need and want will ebb and flow.  But there is this amazing little guy with HUGE green eyes and my heart wrapped around his little finger.  And he is the center of it all.  Fact.  I truly don't know where I end and he begins and vice versa.  And I don't know how to change that, if I can at all.

When asked if Will and his needs truly trump everything, my needs, Gab's needs if not emergent, the answer is a resounding absolutely.  My choice to continue my pregnancy and raise my child as a single mother was mine and I stick to it.  I don't reneg it and I don't want to change it.  It isn't anybody's fault he came with some special instructions most other kids don't.  It is a heavy, busy, chaotic, stressful, scary, demanding life.  I embrace it wholly and know I rock as Will's mama and advocate, I know that in my soul. I see his progress and his development and I know how hard he works for that success and I will be by his side EVERY step of the way on this journey.  When he isn't at work, he is with me (or his dad for a few hours on Saturdays).  

I don't know how to introduce people to my life and keep Will at bay until we are deeper in the relationship.  No, I do not introduce him to every person I meet or am interested in, but it is discussed.  Most know me as Will's mama (or Gab's mom) and I love that.  I have to let people know, look, here is the 411 on my life.  If I have to drop everything because he spikes a fever, that is what happens.  If we have to cab him to the hospital in the middle of the night for a 5 day stay, that is what happens.  If I can't take him in a group setting because he is "off" and his resistance may be down making germ exposure a risk, that is what happens.  If I can't go out and hang because, truthfully, finding caregivers I trust that can and want to handle a child who may have a seizure or take a downturn healthwise quickly is a bit of a challenge, that is what happens.  He sleeps with me because he won't stay asleep alone right now.  That may change one day, it may not.  Where there is Melissa there is Will and where there is Will there is Melissa.  Gabbie is the same.  The difference with Gabbie is there is an independent future in her life.  One I am part of but not central to.  I can't say the same for Will.  I am optimistic for Angelman Syndrome treatments but realistic that a job and independent living just aren't in our future.

Now, I don't know many who can deal with that.  Either by sheer capacity or simply by desire.  Truth told, I don't want anyone in my life who feels that way and I am a-ok when they beeline out, but it is something to wrap my head around.  I can't truly explain it because it is just one of those things that you don't know until you know and you learn by living it.  Most people think it is fine and he is so cute and then dip in my life and realize how intense and demanding it truly is and they don't stay.

Everyone tells me there is someone out there, someone who will love me and love both my kids.  Who will be in it for the duration.  I hope they are right, I truly do.  And, for the record, I am ok with being alone.  Time alone has taught me I'm not really sure what a "normal, typical, healthy" relationship really looks like or what it takes to get to one.  My only role model was a narcissist and her enabler.  Not the best role model.  And no I am not living my life looking but, believe me, it comes up in conversation.  Frequently.  And then I think about it.  

To focus on the facts as hard and blatant as they are is painful, truthfully.  My visceral needs are met but my internal, personal needs absolutely take a back seat to both my kids.  I am learning I can be a good mommy by being good to myself.  I know the extent of that will always be very short leashed where Will is concerned.  I have made my peace with that, I accept my role in this life but it is hard to get others to accept it, too.  As I say, his father can't handle this life on the full time - why would anyone CHOOSE to be with me in this?!

So today I made a new realization.  That old Melissa, the one who was "going to be", that once was many years ago, has morphed into this ass kicking, name taking advocate of a mama and I rock at it, I really do.  Sometimes it is about knowing what you are great at and getting even better.  I still hold out hope for that life partner to life me up when I need it, rub my back when it is screaming at me and just stay by my side and hold my hand.  But today I make peace (maybe not completely) with the fact that, right now and maybe not ever, that isn't part of this equation.  Alone is ok because, truly, I am not *alone*.  I have the world's greatest two kids who are my best accomplishment and creation - and for that I'm pretty damn lucky.