Nearly a week-and-a-half after the Cleveland Browns showed head coach Pat Shurmer the door, his desk in Berea remains vacant.
I've analyzed the first round of coaching interviews like Chip Kelly and even added my two cents on the second wave.
Now we're talking about coaches from the Canadian Football League and it doesn't seem as if a hire is in sight.
So, like many in our society, I look to Hollywood for the solution to my problems.
Mr. Haslem, if you're reading this, you might learn a thing or two about what it takes to coach in extreme circumstances. And as you've already seen, trying to win in Cleveland is considered such.
Herman Boone (Denzel Washington)- Remember the Titans
If there ever was a man to whip the youthful, boyish roster of the Cleveland Browns into shape, it would be Coach Herman Boone.
You aren't a black coach in a Virginia school during the Civil Rights Era without having some thick skin. And the way things have gone for the Browns in years past, he'll need every inch of it.
But Boone makes sense for Cleveland because he knows the game and he knows how to get the most from his players, even if his tactics seem extreme at times.
Take Petey Jones, the fumble-friendly running back, for instance. Petey couldn't hold onto the ball for his life, so Boone put him on defense. Now if Greg Little keeps dropping passes that my grandmother could catch, under Boone, he'd be going head-to-head with Ray Rice and end up flat on his back.
Adding to that example, he would see the talent a player like Josh Cribbs has and not waste it. Boone used Petey where he needed him most. Cribbs has great athletic ability and wasn't used correctly by Shurmer. Put him in the right place and our offense would improve.
Heck, I'm willing to bet a coach like Herman Boone would even make Owen Marecic into something like a football player. OK, I'm getting ahead of myself...
Gary Gaines (Billy Bob Thornton)- Friday Night Lights
This pick may just be because Thornton went from a sex-crazed lush in Bad Santa to a gentle, respectable football coach in Friday Night Lights. The transition still amazes me. He deserved some kind of award for that.
But Gary Gaines (who was a real coach, I might add, along with Boone) had immense pressure to perform in the town of Odessa, Texas. If he didn't make the state playoffs, he could kiss his job goodbye. And the friendly towns folk made sure he knew that.
Sadly, this is the way things are in Texas (except for those residing in Dallas), where if you don't win, you don't work.
Haslem has said he wants to win immediately, so his next coach will be under fire from the start.
I also like Gaines because he cares about his kids and making sure they do what's right and getting the best out of them. No matter who is coaching, I think understanding the team's character and expecting only the best from them is vital from pee wee to the pros.
Danny O'Shea (Rick Moranis)- Little Giants
Coach O'Shea (the one that didn't moonlight as Al Bundy) inspired me to play football as a youngster. However, my mother was afraid I might break something, so that didn't happen.
Nonetheless, O'Shea is the best coach any player could ask for. He's not intimidating, like a John Gruden, but he makes players feel good about themselves. (Insert second Owen Marecic joke here).
Not only did he inspire his players to believe in themselves, he was able to inspire them to beat the bigger, better team. And in the AFC North we have to play those guys six times a year. I would, however, like to win more than just "one time."
O'Shea also let his players have fun, something Shurmer didn't seem to do. If I was Pat and my team was in the basement and I knew I was getting canned, I would draw up the craziest plays, like the Annexation of Puerto Rico, and have a blast. If you have nothing to lose, why not?
Football has become so business-like and serious at times; I want to see these guys have some fun. Maybe if they have fun playing, we'd have more fun watching.
Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino)- Any Given Sunday
If only I could be a fly on the wall during an Al Pacino pregame speech.
This one makes great sense because of the fire D'Amato has as a coach. He yells, he screams and he kicks. He has chutzpah! Something Cleveland desperately needs in a head coach.
Fans loved it when Haslem threw his hands up in disgust at failed fourth-down conversions and game-winning passes being dropped. He showed he cared! Shurmer just stood there dumbfounded.
This city is blue collar and needs someone to rally the troops and go in guns blazing. When I think of a key characteristic in a head coach for our team, that's what I want: Someone with fire in his belly and is willing to rip into his players when necessary.
Maybe if D'Amato was coach Joe Haden wouldn't need the Adderol. Or at least think he'd think twice about it.
Jimmy McGinty (Gene Hackman)- The Replacements
It's hard to see Gene Hackman and not think of Hoosiers. But this is football, not basketball, so I will do my best.
After the pros went on strike, owners had to call in the scrubs in order to salvage some sort of season. McGinty, a former NFL coach, must come in and put together a ragged group to compete.
He came in to a situation that lacked talent and turned it into a winner. Sound familiar?
It shouldn't because Cleveland actually has talented players (despite Owen Marecic). The only thing missing is the one person who can utilize them in a way to make the team successful.
McGinty was able to take a washed-up Heisman trophy quarterback (who played at Ohio State, FYI) and turned him into the leader of the team.
Brandon Weeden has talent (it showed up somewhere between Week One and Week 14) but our offense isn't conducive to his strengths. We need someone who will take the clay he's been given and make something out of it that's worth-while and valuable.
Players like Weeden aren't a lost cause just yet. They just need the right leadership to make them better.
Plus, we could use someone who wears fedoras and smokes cigars on the sideline. Maybe just lose the mustache. Mike Holmgren ruined that for us.